The Marriage of Dudley McGee
Hark now to the tale of Dudley McGee,
Mean as a giant with the brain of a flea.
Rich though he was, so power he held,
In a fact'ry for metal his men labored to weld.
One day our hero, he stood at his door,
Observing the workers before taking his tour,
For a poor victim upon which to vent his spleen,
When his eye spied a lass, the lovely Coleen.
Her figure was lithe and Grace was her Muse,
As she fed her old father a bowlful of stew.
"I must have that lass. I will make her my wife!
I will have that girl or I will end her life!"
And so with that vow he plotted and planned,
To find her alone and force Coleen's hand.
And when he spied her strolling one cold winter's night,
With a gallop he took her, her screams pierced with fright.
He took her to Innothule, a place he admired.
Forced her to dress the way he desired.
Grasping her hand, Dudley led her to where,
The death of the swamp had been swept clean and bare.
Ribbons and streamers the swamp did surround,
And a spectre was asked to perform the vow.
Dudley had hired even even froglocks, throats deep and harsh,
To croak out the strains of a wedding march!
So trussed and frightened, but resplendant in white,
Coleen stood quite still, a figure of light.
"We gather," rasped the spectre, voice cold as ash,
"To see..." but he stopped when came sound of a crash.
"Wut is dis?" boomed a trolless. "Why in my land?"
"Pardon, " stammered Dudley, dropping a gold band.
The trolless glared fiercely and picked up the ring.
Studied it a moment and then started to sing:
"'ere come de bride, hips big an' wide,
Smells like de sewer, 'n barsh froggies flat..."
With a glare at young Dudley, the trolless said,
"You marry me or I barsh you all dead!"
Dudley squeeked in terror and white was his face.
"But Madam!" he yelped, "We're not even the same race!"
"Dat ok," said the trolless with an outgoing leer,
"You make Babi happy or me cook you in beer!"
Turning to the young lass, the lovely Coleen,
"You too skinny and stringy like icky string bean!"
Coleen in her wisdom turned tail and ran,
Leaving the trolless alone with her man.
Babi gestured to the spectre with a nod of her head,
Anxious to get Dudley alone in her bed!
And so my friends, although it may seem,
The moral of this tale is about lust and greed,
It's really that besides circumstance and pomp,
Do not get married in Innothule Swamp!